Reconnecting....

I read this blog post awhile back and decided it was something I would try with my Zoe.  
My Zoe who I can't get to sit still long enough to listen to me when I want to talk properly with her.  
My Zoe who has a bottomless pit of need when it comes to encouragement, love and affection. 
My Zoe who I find myself telling off all the time.  
And when I come to tuck my Zoe in at night I realise I probably haven't said a positive word to her all day so I try and end it on a good note by kissing her goodnight and telling her I love her.  
It's usually less than 5 minutes after that that she's up out of bed and pushing some boundary....again....so the telling off starts....again.....

That's why the diary idea in the blog appealed to me - I can write positive things down for her...special messages and she can read them whenever she wants, as often as she wants and know what I love about her.  
We started it two days ago and so far she is loving it....I am getting lots of 'I love you Mummy's' throughout the day, and it's not just when she wants something.  
I can't say that I've noticed any decline in the amount of telling off required but she does seem a little more responsive when I do tell her off.
She seems more contented for now and I am hoping it will last.
In true Zoe style, here is her second note to me in the book.......

Taking time to see the flowers....

Wednesday was hard.  Harder than I expected.
But today is easier because of it.  
It was healing to stop, press pause and remember.  
To acknowledge the impact of what happened that day.  
To pay respect to those lost.  
To admire the bravery and courage and tenacity shown since then.  

And the flowers were awesome.  
You see, road cones are everywhere in Christchurch now.  They are as much a feature of our landscape as powerpoles, trees even.  You can't drive anywhere without going through roadworks of some kind, or swerving around a cone left to mark the latest hole in the road from the aftershocks.  
Driving through rows of them, each with a flower, some with entire bunches of flowers, in them made me cry.  
Little bits of hope crammed in to each one.  
A collective act of defiance against the destruction.  
In the midst of the mess, we will make something beautiful from it.

Public Failure

I am failing big time.  
At the most important job.  
And it cannot continue.  I need to figure out what's going wrong with my (& Iains) parenting.  
Erin is great, at 22 months she is still at the 'cute' stage where the tantrums are containable and the naughtiness slightly endearing at times.  I feel like I am, mostly, a good mum to Erin.
But with Hamish and Zoe, nothing seems to be working.  They are rude, naughty and unpleasant most of the time at home and I am a grumpy, ineffective and frustrated mum in response.  
I have read everything I can about it.....Nigel Latta to Diane Levy.  
Googled 'lying kids', 'siblings fighting', 'toilet training'.  
Tried reward charts, timeouts, grounding, bribery, threats.
In fact as I type this Hamish is sulking because he is at home with me instead of at his cousins birthday party. He was in timeout and decided to pee on his bed, soaking it right through to the mattress as a way of showing his displeasure with being there.  
I am at a total loss as to why it is this way in my house?  Noone else I know has this level of dysfunction happening with their children.  And I know deep down that I try as hard as they do to be a good parent but it's just not working.  I work really hard at it, I lose sleep over it.  
Or maybe we are all just really good at hiding our dysfunction as families.  Maybe some of you reading this are astonished that this is going on in my home because you've met my children and they were lovely.  
Zoe wasn't lovely last night when she told the babysitter she would kill her.  
Hamish wasn't lovely on Friday night when he willfully pooed his pants and then smeared it on the shower walls because he was angry at me.  

Please don't give me parenting advice in response to this post, I am a research addict, I know all the development theory and techniques.....they are just not working.  By all means though if you have the magic bullet let me know and I will eat my words, glad to be proved wrong on this one!
And I know it takes a village.....but where is the village?  I'm having trouble finding it.  The village are either working, too busy with their own families, or would rather not know.  
I've asked the 'officials' in the village too, but there is usually a cost or a waiting list involved.  As well as the fear that the 'officials' might judge that I am a bad parent afterall.
And somewhere along the line I have bought into the lie that says I have to do it on my own.  I know in my head that I don't so I write this blog in the hope that admitting it all publicly I will drag my reality, kicking and screaming in line with my ideals. 
So there you go, it's out there in all it's ugliness....my failure as a parent....my helplessness at fixing it.  

"Almost any difficulty will move in the face of honesty. When I am honest I never feel stupid. And when I am honest I am automatically humble."  Hugh Prather

Time for a Break

It's been a blissfully quiet weekend in my whare with only Erin and I here.
Iain took the older two to the Sounds for a McConnell clan holiday and with Erin only just recovering from the chickenpox we couldn't risk her sharing with her cousin who's in the middle of leukemia treatment.
So with just the two of us it has been very relaxing, time to catch up on some sleep and recharge after having the lot of them home over the holidays. Erin has enjoyed some time to explore and do her own thing to without so many 'helpers' around.

I love my children and I am grateful for each one of them, but it is just so exhausting with three of them around. There is always someone who wants something from me or who is fighting it out with someone else.
I am really looking forward to seeing them tonight when they return and I am looking forward to them starting the school year tomorrow morning...now that's what you call perfect timing. :)
I found it funny to reflect that I would have completely stressed out at the the thought of being left alone to care for Zoe when she was the only one. Now it seems like a walk in the park, having three has certainly upped the anti.
Another 'break' to mention is that I have broken up my blog.
I looked at the description I had written when I started this blog and realized that I didn't actually write about parenting or community or God that much anymore.
I also realized that I still wanted to write about those things and not just roller derby!
So I have started a new blog solely about my derby delights and dilemmas, you can follow it on here if you want.
Hopefully this will encourage me to still write about the other parts of my life too.
I'll let you in on a little secret....I mostly write these blogs for me...because I enjoy writing and because it helps me think about things and process what's happening.
I write them to help me reflect and keep me honest.
And I share them because I have appreciated reading the honesty and reflections of others over the years. They have helped me grow and learn and feel less alone.
So even though I write for myself I hope that in some small way by reading it that you can feel less alone too.

'To know that one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.' Waldo Emerson

Surviving scrimmage

I've scrimmaged and lived to tell the tale....and here it is.....
It's fair to say I was a little nervous at practice on Friday night....okay....so I was packing myself.
I really didn't feel like I was up to having my first full hitting scrimmage with the old meat.
I had just had a long break over Christmas from skating and exercise, like most people I guess, except that I had the perfect excuse in the form of a mild concussion that I'd got at practice beginning of December. Drs orders meant I could enjoy a lazy break guilt free. 
So come Friday I was close to wimping out actually....except that I didn't get a chance to.  
I was pretty much told that I was going to scrimmage (interesting to note that I am more scared of our coach than of taking part in scrimmage.) 
I decided that I would try the first couple of jams, and when it became obvious to everyone that I was way out of my depth I could ungracefully bow out for the rest.
But there was a flaw in my plan...
I couldn't stop after a couple of jams because I was having too much fun! 
And I wasn't completely useless either.
Turns out I have gotten fitter and can now skate more than one jam in a row without feeling like I'm going to vomit.
And all the strength exercises must be starting to make a difference too because I didn't feel like a rag doll on wheels out there, and I didn't fall over every time I got hit (just 90% of the time but hey baby steps....) 
Towards the end of the practice I got really brave...yep I actually tried to hit other skaters.
Wimpy, ineffectual hits.... but I willingly made aggressive contact with another skater in a pack....look out I tell you I'm on a roll...(very bad pun unintentional but duly noted). 
I still have a ways to go and lots of hard work to do but I was encouraged by the progress I have made.
I'm beginning to feel cautiously optimistic that I could be bout ready in time to join Team Glee on the track come February 25th...

Awesome doll my mum made me for Christmas.

Hard knocks and the bout at the end of the rainbow.....

So I am finally skills tested and it feels awesome.
But quicker than you can say 'bask in the glory of your achievement' I am back to square one with another goal to reach and so much to learn.
You see now I'm not just skating around, occasionally practising hits.  In drills you almost always know when a hit is coming- you expect it and brace yourself for it.
Not in scrimmage - in scrimmage you get hit all the time when you're already busy.
Busy trying to see where your jammer is (so you don't get in their way), where their jammer is (so you don't let them skate right past you on the inside line making you look like a complete moron), what the refs are doing (so you know to go off when they call you for back-blocking and cutting the track...again....) and other important things like remembering which team you are on (so you don't try and knock over your own pivot).
It's while you are trying to do all that that you get hit in scrimmage, and you get hit hard, and you fall hard in a pack with a bunch of other skaters.  Kinda like this...............

..........but with 4 times the wheels.

And the teams were announced for our next bout 'Rainbow Spite' on the 25th Feb.
Team Gaga vs Team Glee.
I have been put on Team Glee with the condition that I am good enough to bout by then.
So I am excited but I'm also a little freaked out.
I have work to do - lots of it.  I need to build up my strength so that I don't fall down everytime another skater even looks like they are going to hit me - it's not safe for me or them!
I also don't want to skate my first bout until I am good enough to be useful - to pull my weight in the team, I don't want to fill a spot just because it's there.
I'd say it's 50/50 whether I can get to the level I need to be in time but it's good to have another goal to aim for.
It would be awesome to skate on Team Glee, we have some guest skaters coming to skate for us, one who just skated with Team New Zealand in the Roller Derby World Cup.
So that would mean that I could skate with someone who had skated with Suzy Hotrod....one degree of derby seperation to this.....

Confessions from the derby heart...

So I am hoping to be fully skills tested by the end of the week and I am super proud of how far I have come but I also have a confession to make.......

I am still ridiculously unfit - and I am not exaggerating.  

I started at the gym two weeks ago and I have had 2 assessments with a personal trainer (who also happens to be an awesome roller derby sister) and I am floored by how unwell I am even after doing regular exercise for 6 months.  

To begin with we tested my resting heartrate, which was 101 beats per minute.  

To be fair it wasn't greatly rested (having just sculled my morning coffee, rushed the two older children to school, and left my little one in childcare for the first time ever) and I was likely a little anxious about the whole thing but still.....

Gave me a bit of a fright actually and was very motivating to keep exercising!  

So like I do most things I googled it when I got home - it turns out that if I was in the 65+ age bracket my heart rate should be under 84 bpm to be in the healthy zone.  Holy Moley - am I glad I took up derby...maybe I could buy one of these tshirts.....

It's funny because when people find out that I've taken up derby a lot of them think it's a bit foolish, risky even....I could get badly hurt.  

I think that finally finding a sport that motivates me enough to get fit and active far outweighs any injuries that I might get.   

The last time I had to claim on ACC (Accident Compensation Corporation) it was when I hurt my knee learning derby, the time before it was when I hurt my back lifting something out of the car - I know which I would rather have happen.

In fact I used to hurt myself far more doing normal stuff before derby - my body was in such bad shape it was in no condition to cope with everyday life. 
So here's to a healthier heart, fitter body, and finally passing my minimum skills test (fingers crossed.)

Running on empty.

Maybe I'm allergic to Santa??  
Every year about now, when the silly season kicks into gear and the shops put up their Christmas decorations, my mental health plummets.  
It's not because I overdo it - it happens before the calendar is full of end of year events and the 'things to do before 25th December' list is written. 
I thought this year might be different, with all the extra exercise and taking care of myself but no, here I am again...struggling to get through the day.  
It's almost like my tank isn't big enough to get me to the end of the year - the warning light starts to flicker in October and by November I'm free wheeling it, desperately looking around for someone to give me a much needed push or tow so I can make it to the end.  
Anyone know where I can upgrade to a bigger tank for next year??  
Or maybe I just need to adjust my driving style so I don't use up as much fuel.......

Derby Firsts

So having not been swept to sea by a tsunami last week (Wave of crazy)

...many thanks to those who interceded on behalf of the sinful people of East Christchurch and saved us from God's impending wrath....

I had an awesome weekend of Derby firsts..first boot camp, first public appearance on skates and got to watch my first live bouts. 
The bootcamp was completely overwhelming.  
One of the main things I noticed was how hard everyone hit me - I knew my league were nice to me as a freshie but it was an eyeopener to train with girls from so many different leagues who had no idea I was such a wuss.  
It was great - once I got used to it I discovered how much fun it is to get hit hard and how much easier it makes it to hit other people hard.  
Having said that I did fumble and stumble my way through most of the day feeling like I would never be good enough to actually bout.  
So to stop myself from getting too discouraged I focused on getting slightly better than I was.  So in the one footed slalom I completely sucked but by the end I sucked slightly less.  
I also decided that if at the end of the day I would be able to name one major skill I was better at - you guessed it...falling- I was awesome at falling by the end of the day.

Swept away on a wave of crazy

I apologise in advance for my second ranty-ish blog in two days.  

But apparently my city will be washed away by a huge tsunami today so I wanted to squeeze one last blog in....

Yes that's right folks someone has 'prophesied' that Christchurch will be hit today by a tsumani big enough to reach Princess Margaret Hospital.  That would have to be as big as the Japan tsunami - which is amazing since we don't actually have a subduction plate setup offshore that would create it.

It doesn't hugely surprise me that someone would come up with a crazy story like that - what does surprise me is that people have listened to it.....and told other people....and so on.

Really everyone just stop it!  The people of Christchurch have had enough of the crazy!  
Because in all honesty no matter how stupid and unrealistic your story is each of us has that little kid inside that freaks out when we hear this stuff.  
We have been through it...more than once...we know what can happen...and we don't want it to happen again.  
Everyday we try and ignore the fact that it can happen again so that we can get on with our lives.  So when we hear something like this it reminds us again - we don't want to be reminded.  It's like finding the sore spot on someone and poking a sharp stick at it - it's just downright mean.
 
And then to have the cheek to say that God told you it would happen and that it is His judgement on the people of Christchurch for still not listening to Him?   
Now you've really made me angry.  
And what amazes me is how people who have a faith in God run for the hills when they hear stuff like this.  Surely those of us with a faith should be the bravest and the strongest in the face of a disaster? 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 

1 John 4:18 

See now look what you've made me do - pull out a Bible verse and everything.

I'm going to have to quote something else now - just so I don't sound like a religious nutter. 
So I'll finish with a line from one of my favourite movies.....

"Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here"

Melvin - 'As good as it gets'

The Abominable snowman and other Christian myths

Yesterday I posted this on my facebook page.  And some people responded.  And those responses got me thinking.  I know, scary stuff, but stick with me.....

I have had the privilege of knowing and getting to know some beautiful gay and lesbian people and I struggle with seeing them or their 'lifestyle choices' as abominations.  

I do, however, think that word perfectly describes some Christians and the way that they pick and choose scriptures to hate with.  People have always passionately quoted the Bible to justify their prejudices: racism, sexism, materialism.....it doesn't mean that God feels that way too.  

I don't want to get into a theological or ideological debate here - it hurts my head too much...and many people have done that far more articulately and intelligently than I can - just google it.  

But I do want to mention one classic Christian response to this issue that I was taught (and believed) for many years:

Love the sinner. Hate the sin.  

Makes about as much sense as telling someone God loves them but hates the fact that they are a Samoan. 

Some of you will write me off after reading this - I have truly strayed from the flock - but that's okay because I feel closer to God writing this than I have felt in a long time.  

Some of you mentioned Grace in your responses on facebook.  I think that we throw that word around too much.  I think it is one of the most beautiful words in the English language.  I think it is even more beautiful than the word Love.  And isn't that Grace and Love what it's really about? 

To me that means that no matter how awful and mean and lazy and hateful and selfish I am God still chooses to let me carry that spark, that magic, that smallest glimpse of the reflection of God within me....within each of us....now that's an abomination.

Nemesis of a freshmeat

So I am just about there.....passed most of the skills test and got 100% on the rules test.  

I have been practising and I know I can now do most of the things that I need to re-sit.  

Only two things stand in my way.

About 15 seconds and 3 inches.

Doesn't sound like much I know but it feels like more than enough.  

I have been trying for weeks to lift my feet higher than an inch when I jump but they just won't go there damn it. 

Cue flashbacks to high-jumping at primary school athletics day.  I'm just no Tigger.

And as for the 25 laps in 5 mins - I tried it last week and made 24 - so squeezing only one more lap out should be easy right? 

I should add that I completely emptied the tank on that attempt though - collapse on the floor and feel like I will vomit emptied - so I just don't know where I'm going to get that other lap from.

It always amazes me when I go to write a blog about derby and discover that I've learnt something really important about life in general.  

Like how we can work so hard to achieve what we want in life and get held up by something so small.  It's never the big stuff that trips me up.  The crises seem manageable - my adrenaline kicks in and people rally around to support and help.  

But the little, simple things can suck me dry and grind my dreams to a halt.  

Like still trying to toilet train Hamish, like feeding my family everyday, like sorting the washing again, like being patient with my children.  

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I find these simple things hard, that it's those things that can make me feel like I'm failing.  It's shameful to ask for support for day to day stuff that should be easy peasy.  

But I have a funny feeling that I'm not the only one and sometimes just saying something out loud makes it easier.  I also have the feeling that, just like derby, these things would seem more achievable when you've got a whole team of people to help you get there.  I don't know why we are so obsessed with doing things on our own, coping, managing....it was never meant to be that way I'm sure of it.  

So who's on your team???

A year on...

So it's been just over a year since the earth below our city roared into life.

7500 aftershocks and still counting, crazy.

Things are slowly normalizing - the sewers are fixed and the portaloo has disappeared from outside our house, the kids haven't had any 'earthquake days' off school this term and some of the families we knew who left after February have started to move back to Christchurch.

And the shopping malls on this side of town are opening again!  

Now I'm no mallrat - I don't particularly like malls, in fact I would lean towards being socio-ethically (I just made that word up) against them but they are so damn convenient.....with little kids....in the wintry rain...with a list of jobs to get done....parent's room and toilets close at hand....you get the picture.

Our roads are still crappy though - holes and raised manhole covers everywhere - you can tell the cars who live down our street by the way they swerve through the least bumpy path on the road like it's 2nd nature.

In general I don't feel anxious about the earthquakes anymore - which surprises me really, given my history of anxiety and depression.  I know some people who can't go into shops still or who can't leave home on Tuesdays because that's when the big one happened.  

I still have moments when I am terrified that we are about to have another big one and I run through the scenario in my head on how I would get my family all safe, back together.  And then there are the times when Erin is playing nicely on the floor and I suddenly have to scoop her up and hold her tight because I have just noticed all the things that could fall down and hurt her.

But generally these things are happening less and less.  

Everyone is more settled and hope is sneaking it's way in.

The water still tastes like a swimming pool though! 

Okay it's official.
Derby has taken over my life.
I eat, drink and sleep it - yes I even dream about it.  
I don't look at anything on the internet anymore that isn't to do with derby.  When I am in a clothes shop I am not interested in buying anything that I can't skate in.  I would hate to think how much money I have already spent on skates, wheels, bearings....
I have always had an addictive personality so it's no great surprise that I've been sucked in so well, but it does seem to me that it happens to most people who enter the derby world.  
When I was thinking of joining my league I was told that one of the practice venues was on the outskirts of town - a considerable drive from where I live, "Oh I don't think I'll be able to go to those practices' I innocently remarked.  
The derby veteran said nothing in response - just knowingly smiled to herself.  She knew that before long I'd happily drive twice the distance just to put my skates on!
In fact, my whole family has caught the derby bug.  
Iain is very good at researching which wheels/bearings are the best deal as well as teaching me how my skates actually work.  
Zoe loves wearing her skates too and has told everyone that she plays Roller Derby 'with the big girls' - she even picked out a derby name: Pip Squeak.
Hamish does knee slides everywhere - home, footpath (ouch), supermarket.  
And the other day when I was putting my skates on Erin went and got my pads and brought them over to me one by one - even she knows the drill!  
I'm sure it will settle into the background a bit more as time goes on but for now it's been great to have something besides earthquakes to think about.
I am halfway through the skills testing and pretty stoked with how I've done - my two big obstacles will be the 25 laps and the jump but I will get there.  
Then I will be a REAL derby girl.
Still don't understand why I love it so much?
Just check out the fantastic group of people I get to hang out with.....

Finding my inner Bee-arch.

I have always been a nice girl.  
I avoid conflict.  
I never even threw tantrums as a toddler. 
When I was six I had a friend who would walk to school with me and then leave me at gate with the condition that she would pretend we weren't friends at school....and I agreed to that.  
In contrast to this, when she was about the same age my younger sister punched a boy in the nose for saying something mean to her. 
I have never punched anyone and I have never been punched. 
It's just not in my nature.  
While I am no longer the pushover people pleaser that I used to be (just ask my husband), the whole aggressive side of derby is still not coming very naturally to me.  I don't want to hurt anyone and I immediately apologise if I do knock anyone down (which admittedly doesn't happen very often yet.)  
It doesn't help that I actually like all the people in my league either - if only one of them would just piss me off enough that would help.....
So I've asked around a bit and I'm going to try a few things:

• I'm going to think of someone I don't like until I get aggravated enough to be aggressive
• I am going to repeat the following mantra "I am not sorry - I will not apologise."
• I am not going to 'hit' people just move them out of my way
• I'm going to work on my core strength (again) so I can be more confident that hitting someone else will leave me standing at the end of it- rather than just bouncing off them to sprawl on the floor myself. 

We start our skills testing on in a week.  For those of you who don't know you have to pass a skills test and a rules test before you can bout. 

WFTDA Minimum Skills Requirements 

It's a bit tricky - I will be happy if I pass over half of it at this stage.

Wish me luck!  

Third time's a charm???

As I drove around after the latest series of major aftershocks I felt an overwhelming sense of pride in my city.  The roadwork crews were patching up the same roads, again.  Engineers were checking buildings, again.  People were shoveling the liquefaction silt from their properties, again.  
Everyone was just picking themselves back up and getting on with it.
What surprised me most this time was how much easier I found it all.  Instead of feeling desperate to leave the chaos it felt like we could cope, manage with staying.  It felt like an inconvenience rather than a disaster.  
And the thought of another major aftershock doesn't actually terrify me like it used to either.  After my Auntie was killed in a car accident when I was 16 I was terrified of being in a car for awhile, but gradually I had to accept that I would have to go in cars and that car accidents do happen.  I had to adjust to that being a fact of life.  And that's what it's like in Christchurch now, I have accepted that earthquakes will happen and sometimes people will get hurt.  
Lots of people have asked me why we don't leave.  I have certainly thought about it but for now it still seems harder to go than to stay.  We have been spared any major loss through the earthquakes and this is still where our home, work, school, friends, life is.
Don't get me wrong, it's still exhausting and hard.  Especially trying to help the kids cope, I don't think I will ever forget the look of terror on Hamish's face as he tried to run across the lounge and get under the table.  But he will be okay, we all will be okay.

Big changes for my little man....

We made a hard decision this week.  
We took Hamish out of kohanga and enrolled him in the local kindergarten.  Many of you will know how important it has been to me to have my family involved with kohanga (see Kohanga Reo, Kohanga Reo 2, Honouring the Treaty) so it was difficult to decide that it was the best thing for Hamish to go elsewhere.   
He had been finding it so hard after the earthquake - with so many of his friends gone and 4 staff leaving as well, he would come home and talk about the people that weren't there anymore.  
One of the two staff still here went away for a couple of weeks and our kohanga joined with another while she was gone.  She got back this week and let us know that she would be leaving for good and it just got too hard for us to stay. 
So much constant change and uncertainty for my little man who loves structure and predictability.  With only 6 months left till he starts school we decided it was time for one last change and then, hopefully, a bit of stability.  
I am grateful for all that kohanga has meant for my family and I will always treasure the time that we had there.  It's hard to let go of my own ideals in order to do what is best for my children and I will still have a bit of grieving to do I'm sure.   
But for now the new kindy is awesome, they use quite a lot of Te Reo there and it is literally a stones throw away from our house.  Many of the other children will be going onto the same school as Hamish and I am getting to know some of the other parents better.  
And to finish on a light note:  
Zoe and Hamish were playing in a hut they made in the lounge the other day.  Zoe came out with a funny smile and told me that they were pretending to be in bed and were kissing and cuddling - "I was being the mummy."  
Hamish appeared out of the hut after her....
Me:  "And were you being the daddy?"  I asked Hamish
Hamish: "No, I was being the postman."

Mind games and other Blockers - Part three.

You might want to read Part One  and Part Two first.

Blocker 3
I have always been something of a wuss.
I have spent most of my life avoiding anything that could possibly be painful or unpleasant for me.  This is a good survival technique by itself but when you combine it with my extremely vivid and overactive imagination it becomes a little limiting.  There is danger and death lurking around every corner and I'm not going round it thank you very much!  
When I was a kid I was too scared to do anything daring.  
I was the kid who was too chicken to hang upside down on the bars at school.  My dad once had to bet me $10 to cross a swing bridge before I could summon up enough courage to do it.  I'm scared of injections, spiders, flying and even going on hydroslides.  
So why on earth would I take up Roller Derby?  A sport where I am practically guaranteed to injure myself?  A sport where I have to willingly throw myself at the floor to practice my falling technique? 
I'm not entirely sure actually, but I know that facing up to that part of me is part of the attraction.  
You see I have come to realise that the reality of the pain and discomfort is nowhere near as bad as I imagined it would be.  And I am actually pretty tough under it all.  
After being terrified about giving birth I managed to do it three times with no pain relief.  In fact my last midwife told me that the ward midwives assumed I was a farmers' wife I was that staunch.  
And I love how I felt after giving birth - like a brave, powerful woman who could handle anything. 
I'm not having any more children just to experience that feeling again so derby it is from now on.  
Playing derby is very similar to giving birth actually...empowering, painful, exhausting, exhilarating, and you have to be a woman to do it!
Reading back over these last few blogs it all seems a little daunting actually and I wonder why I don't just give up.  Well for a start, I have spent way too much money on gear....but also it is some of the most fun I have ever had.  
I love how strong it makes me feel when I finally manage to learn a new skill.  
I love that I am getting just that little bit fitter and stronger every week.  
I love watching the old meat practice and knowing that if I stick with it I can learn how to do that. 
I love that there is a team full of women helping me get there. 
I love that my daughters get to watch me being brave and trying something new.  
I love that I know that I'm not going to give up trying to get past the blockers.

Mind games and other Blockers - part two.

Warning: Unless you read mind-games-and-other-blockers-part-one this post probably won't make much sense.
Warning 2: If you are already sick of me posting about roller derby you probably should stop reading now.

Blocker 2

Well to put it simply this blocker is Chronic Atrophy of the Vastus Medialis Obliquus Muscle.  
Google it if you want to. 
Say it fast five times in a row if you can. 
Basically it means that since surgery a long long time ago my left thigh muscle is pretty stuffed.  It shouldn't be.  I should have done all the exercises the physio gave me at the time and got it back up to strength.  In fact if I'd done all the right exercises to begin with it's highly likely I would have avoided surgery all together. 
Instead I took the 'easier' option - I adapted my everyday life to accommodate my weak muscle so that I didn't notice it's weakness.  Let me explain - when I go up stairs I lead with my strong leg and put all my weight on that.  When I get up off of the couch I use my hands to push me up and so on.  So over the years the weak muscle has actually gotten weaker, or 'wasted' to use the proper term.
I cannot possibly continue to do roller derby with a weak thigh muscle, I have to strengthen it or I will never get good enough to take part in a bout.  
Thinking more about this I realised that I take this approach to a lot of things in my life.  And that's probably okay for awhile, until I do something where I have to use the weak part.
For example, dealing with depression.  For so many years I just ignored any weakness in my mental health and adapted my life accordingly.  When it all got a little too much I would hide away for a few days to rest and recover.  
Then I had children.  Technically I was diagnosed with postnatal depression but I know it had been there for awhile.  It was just that there was no way to adapt being a mum around this particular weakness so I had to face up to it and start getting better, stronger.  
I worry about other areas of my life where I could be tempted to sweep any weaknesses under the carpet.   
Like my relationship with my children.  I can probably wing it for quite a few years and not really connect with them or spend quality time with them but I can guarantee that any weakness here will show up when they become teenagers!   
Or what about my relationship with my husband?  With three young kids it's pretty easy to ignore any weaknesses here and push them to the side.  But do I really want to discover a few years from now when we hit a rough patch in life that our marriage muscle has wasted away?  
Pretty sobering thoughts really.  
So tonight I am going to do my leg lift exercises, then I am going to take the time to read my children a bedtime story and then I might actually talk to my husband.  
Man this training for roller derby sure is hard work!

Mind games and other Blockers - Part one.

So now that I have stepped completely out of my comfort zone and taken up the challenge of learning to roller derby, I have discovered that it is a whole lot harder for me than I thought it would be.  

I was confident, shall we say, slightly cocky, to begin with.  Having done so much roller skating growing up I thought I would take to it pretty quickly but there were a few things I didn't see coming, a few 'blockers' that I will have to get past...

Blocker 1

My core strength, or rather my complete lack of it.  After stretching to accommodate 3 babies my abs resemble one of those cheap wine bladders rather than a sexy six pack.  

Anne Lamott writes  after the birth of her child that when she lay down to sleep her stomach 'laid down next to her like a puppy.'  I love that description - and it fits me perfectly.  

This has never bothered me before now - I am actually proud of my post baby body and all that it has achieved in bringing my lovely children into the world.  I have never felt driven to whip my body into shape so that I look like a 20-something who hasn't had children.  

After all, there are times that a soft squishy tummy comes in helpful.....

Suddenly though I care about how my abs work. By the end of training my lower back feels like it is on fire because my core is so weak, I can't even manage to do a proper crunchy and my attempts at 'whipping' are more like some kind of awkward high-five.

So it's baby steps for me, or shall we call them 'post-babies' steps?  Luckily one of the other freshmeat is a personal trainer and she showed me some easy starting exercises (did I mention that the other women who do derby are Awesome?)

Rock hard abs are only a few million crunchys away...