Running on empty.

Maybe I'm allergic to Santa??  
Every year about now, when the silly season kicks into gear and the shops put up their Christmas decorations, my mental health plummets.  
It's not because I overdo it - it happens before the calendar is full of end of year events and the 'things to do before 25th December' list is written. 
I thought this year might be different, with all the extra exercise and taking care of myself but no, here I am again...struggling to get through the day.  
It's almost like my tank isn't big enough to get me to the end of the year - the warning light starts to flicker in October and by November I'm free wheeling it, desperately looking around for someone to give me a much needed push or tow so I can make it to the end.  
Anyone know where I can upgrade to a bigger tank for next year??  
Or maybe I just need to adjust my driving style so I don't use up as much fuel.......

Derby Firsts

So having not been swept to sea by a tsunami last week (Wave of crazy)

...many thanks to those who interceded on behalf of the sinful people of East Christchurch and saved us from God's impending wrath....

I had an awesome weekend of Derby firsts..first boot camp, first public appearance on skates and got to watch my first live bouts. 
The bootcamp was completely overwhelming.  
One of the main things I noticed was how hard everyone hit me - I knew my league were nice to me as a freshie but it was an eyeopener to train with girls from so many different leagues who had no idea I was such a wuss.  
It was great - once I got used to it I discovered how much fun it is to get hit hard and how much easier it makes it to hit other people hard.  
Having said that I did fumble and stumble my way through most of the day feeling like I would never be good enough to actually bout.  
So to stop myself from getting too discouraged I focused on getting slightly better than I was.  So in the one footed slalom I completely sucked but by the end I sucked slightly less.  
I also decided that if at the end of the day I would be able to name one major skill I was better at - you guessed it...falling- I was awesome at falling by the end of the day.

Swept away on a wave of crazy

I apologise in advance for my second ranty-ish blog in two days.  

But apparently my city will be washed away by a huge tsunami today so I wanted to squeeze one last blog in....

Yes that's right folks someone has 'prophesied' that Christchurch will be hit today by a tsumani big enough to reach Princess Margaret Hospital.  That would have to be as big as the Japan tsunami - which is amazing since we don't actually have a subduction plate setup offshore that would create it.

It doesn't hugely surprise me that someone would come up with a crazy story like that - what does surprise me is that people have listened to it.....and told other people....and so on.

Really everyone just stop it!  The people of Christchurch have had enough of the crazy!  
Because in all honesty no matter how stupid and unrealistic your story is each of us has that little kid inside that freaks out when we hear this stuff.  
We have been through it...more than once...we know what can happen...and we don't want it to happen again.  
Everyday we try and ignore the fact that it can happen again so that we can get on with our lives.  So when we hear something like this it reminds us again - we don't want to be reminded.  It's like finding the sore spot on someone and poking a sharp stick at it - it's just downright mean.
 
And then to have the cheek to say that God told you it would happen and that it is His judgement on the people of Christchurch for still not listening to Him?   
Now you've really made me angry.  
And what amazes me is how people who have a faith in God run for the hills when they hear stuff like this.  Surely those of us with a faith should be the bravest and the strongest in the face of a disaster? 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment." 

1 John 4:18 

See now look what you've made me do - pull out a Bible verse and everything.

I'm going to have to quote something else now - just so I don't sound like a religious nutter. 
So I'll finish with a line from one of my favourite movies.....

"Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here"

Melvin - 'As good as it gets'

The Abominable snowman and other Christian myths

Yesterday I posted this on my facebook page.  And some people responded.  And those responses got me thinking.  I know, scary stuff, but stick with me.....

I have had the privilege of knowing and getting to know some beautiful gay and lesbian people and I struggle with seeing them or their 'lifestyle choices' as abominations.  

I do, however, think that word perfectly describes some Christians and the way that they pick and choose scriptures to hate with.  People have always passionately quoted the Bible to justify their prejudices: racism, sexism, materialism.....it doesn't mean that God feels that way too.  

I don't want to get into a theological or ideological debate here - it hurts my head too much...and many people have done that far more articulately and intelligently than I can - just google it.  

But I do want to mention one classic Christian response to this issue that I was taught (and believed) for many years:

Love the sinner. Hate the sin.  

Makes about as much sense as telling someone God loves them but hates the fact that they are a Samoan. 

Some of you will write me off after reading this - I have truly strayed from the flock - but that's okay because I feel closer to God writing this than I have felt in a long time.  

Some of you mentioned Grace in your responses on facebook.  I think that we throw that word around too much.  I think it is one of the most beautiful words in the English language.  I think it is even more beautiful than the word Love.  And isn't that Grace and Love what it's really about? 

To me that means that no matter how awful and mean and lazy and hateful and selfish I am God still chooses to let me carry that spark, that magic, that smallest glimpse of the reflection of God within me....within each of us....now that's an abomination.

Nemesis of a freshmeat

So I am just about there.....passed most of the skills test and got 100% on the rules test.  

I have been practising and I know I can now do most of the things that I need to re-sit.  

Only two things stand in my way.

About 15 seconds and 3 inches.

Doesn't sound like much I know but it feels like more than enough.  

I have been trying for weeks to lift my feet higher than an inch when I jump but they just won't go there damn it. 

Cue flashbacks to high-jumping at primary school athletics day.  I'm just no Tigger.

And as for the 25 laps in 5 mins - I tried it last week and made 24 - so squeezing only one more lap out should be easy right? 

I should add that I completely emptied the tank on that attempt though - collapse on the floor and feel like I will vomit emptied - so I just don't know where I'm going to get that other lap from.

It always amazes me when I go to write a blog about derby and discover that I've learnt something really important about life in general.  

Like how we can work so hard to achieve what we want in life and get held up by something so small.  It's never the big stuff that trips me up.  The crises seem manageable - my adrenaline kicks in and people rally around to support and help.  

But the little, simple things can suck me dry and grind my dreams to a halt.  

Like still trying to toilet train Hamish, like feeding my family everyday, like sorting the washing again, like being patient with my children.  

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I find these simple things hard, that it's those things that can make me feel like I'm failing.  It's shameful to ask for support for day to day stuff that should be easy peasy.  

But I have a funny feeling that I'm not the only one and sometimes just saying something out loud makes it easier.  I also have the feeling that, just like derby, these things would seem more achievable when you've got a whole team of people to help you get there.  I don't know why we are so obsessed with doing things on our own, coping, managing....it was never meant to be that way I'm sure of it.  

So who's on your team???

A year on...

So it's been just over a year since the earth below our city roared into life.

7500 aftershocks and still counting, crazy.

Things are slowly normalizing - the sewers are fixed and the portaloo has disappeared from outside our house, the kids haven't had any 'earthquake days' off school this term and some of the families we knew who left after February have started to move back to Christchurch.

And the shopping malls on this side of town are opening again!  

Now I'm no mallrat - I don't particularly like malls, in fact I would lean towards being socio-ethically (I just made that word up) against them but they are so damn convenient.....with little kids....in the wintry rain...with a list of jobs to get done....parent's room and toilets close at hand....you get the picture.

Our roads are still crappy though - holes and raised manhole covers everywhere - you can tell the cars who live down our street by the way they swerve through the least bumpy path on the road like it's 2nd nature.

In general I don't feel anxious about the earthquakes anymore - which surprises me really, given my history of anxiety and depression.  I know some people who can't go into shops still or who can't leave home on Tuesdays because that's when the big one happened.  

I still have moments when I am terrified that we are about to have another big one and I run through the scenario in my head on how I would get my family all safe, back together.  And then there are the times when Erin is playing nicely on the floor and I suddenly have to scoop her up and hold her tight because I have just noticed all the things that could fall down and hurt her.

But generally these things are happening less and less.  

Everyone is more settled and hope is sneaking it's way in.

The water still tastes like a swimming pool though! 

Okay it's official.
Derby has taken over my life.
I eat, drink and sleep it - yes I even dream about it.  
I don't look at anything on the internet anymore that isn't to do with derby.  When I am in a clothes shop I am not interested in buying anything that I can't skate in.  I would hate to think how much money I have already spent on skates, wheels, bearings....
I have always had an addictive personality so it's no great surprise that I've been sucked in so well, but it does seem to me that it happens to most people who enter the derby world.  
When I was thinking of joining my league I was told that one of the practice venues was on the outskirts of town - a considerable drive from where I live, "Oh I don't think I'll be able to go to those practices' I innocently remarked.  
The derby veteran said nothing in response - just knowingly smiled to herself.  She knew that before long I'd happily drive twice the distance just to put my skates on!
In fact, my whole family has caught the derby bug.  
Iain is very good at researching which wheels/bearings are the best deal as well as teaching me how my skates actually work.  
Zoe loves wearing her skates too and has told everyone that she plays Roller Derby 'with the big girls' - she even picked out a derby name: Pip Squeak.
Hamish does knee slides everywhere - home, footpath (ouch), supermarket.  
And the other day when I was putting my skates on Erin went and got my pads and brought them over to me one by one - even she knows the drill!  
I'm sure it will settle into the background a bit more as time goes on but for now it's been great to have something besides earthquakes to think about.
I am halfway through the skills testing and pretty stoked with how I've done - my two big obstacles will be the 25 laps and the jump but I will get there.  
Then I will be a REAL derby girl.
Still don't understand why I love it so much?
Just check out the fantastic group of people I get to hang out with.....